Stargate SG-1

Quotes

Jack O'Neill: "That's O'Neill with two L's, the other one has no sense of humor."

Sam Carter: "I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle."
Jack O'Neill: "Oh, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women. I've just got a little problem with scientists."
Sam Carter: "Well, Colonel, I logged over 100 hours over enemy airspace during the Gulf War. Is that tough enough for you... or are we going to have to arm wrestle?"

Sam Carter: "Why do I feel like I'm in a women behind bars movie?"

Sam Carter: "Daniel, when you were in this alternate reality, were there differences?"
Daniel: "Yes. Er, Teal'c was leading the attack on Earth, I wasn't even part of the program, you and Jack were engaged to get married..."
Jack O'Neill: "Excuse me?"
Sam Carter: "What... ok, er, even if you did experience this alternate reality, doesn't the very fact there were differences mean that we won't face the same fate?"
Daniel: "Yes. But the defining event, the death of Ra, took place in both worlds."
Teal'c: "An attack of retribution."
Daniel: "Yes. And the same thing is going to happen here unless we stop it."
Jack O'Neill: "All right. Wait a minute. Let me get something straight here. Engaged?"
Sam Carter: "It's theoretically possible."
Jack O'Neill: "It's against regulations."
Sam Carter: "I'm talking physics, sir."

Jack O'Neill: "I'd rather have died myself than lose Carter."
Anise: "Why?"
Jack O'Neill: "Because I care about her. Way more than I'm supposed to."

[Carter and O'Neill lie close to one another for warmth]
Sam Carter: "Sir?"
Jack O'Neill: "It's my sidearm, I swear."

Jack O'Neill: "Teal'c, you don't have to stick around."
Teal'c: "Undomesticated equines could not remove me."
Jack O'Neill: "Wild horses, Teal'c."

Teal'c: "Are you considering the strategy I'm considering?"
Jack O'Neill: "The cliché is 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' And yes, I am."

Teal'c: "Appearances may be deceiving."
Jack O'Neill: "One man's ceiling is another man's floor."
Daniel: "A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell."
Jack O'Neill: "Never run with... scissors?"

Daniel: "Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me?"
Teal'c: "I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson."

Daniel: "Tastes like chicken."
Sam Carter: "So what's wrong with it?"
Daniel: "It's macaroni and cheese."

Cassandra: "Dominique is waiting."
Dr. Janet Fraiser: "Fine. Invite him in. I'm sure he'd love to have a piece of cake that Sam went through all the trouble to bake."
Sam Carter: "Buy."
Dr. Janet Fraiser: "Bring."

Teal'c: "What is an Oprah?"

Jack O'Neill: "Permission to barge in, Sir."

Captain Kyle Rogers: "My lord?"
Jack O'Neill: "Actually, we just call him General Hammond."
General George S. Hammond: "I'd like to debrief ASAP, Colonel."
Jack O'Neill: "Yes, my lord."

Jack O'Neill: "I remembered something. There's a man. He is bald and wears a short sleeve shirt. And somehow, he is important to me... I think his name is... Homer."

[O'Neill bangs his fist on a filing cabinet]
Jack O'Neill: "D'oh!"
Teal'c: "What is it, O'Neill?"
Jack O'Neill: "I forgot to tape The Simpsons!"
[Teal'c raises his eyebrow]
Jack O'Neill: "It's important... to me."

Daniel: "So what's the plan?"
Jack O'Neill: "Find the stargate."
Daniel: "Find the stargate? That's the plan?"
Jack O'Neill: "Elegant in its simplicity, don't you think?"

General George S. Hammond: "It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn the lights on around here."
Jack O'Neill: "How about a bake sale? Yard sale? Garage..."
General George S. Hammond: "This is what I look like when I'm not laughing, Colonel."
Jack O'Neill: "Car wash?"

Sam Carter: "It took us fifteen years and three supercomputers to MacGyver a way to power the gate."

Daniel: "This was transferred from film of experiments done on the Gate in 1945. You don't find that the least bit intriguing?"
Jack O'Neill: "Oh yeah. Nothing piques my interest more than repeated failure."

Sam Carter: "They built their own stargate?"
Daniel: "Waaay smarter than us."
Jack O'Neill: "Ours is bigger."

Daniel: "I just hope we don't regret giving them those gate addresses."
Jack O'Neill: "I don't think we will... the first one being a black hole, and all. They get progressively darker after that."

[Teal'C and Jack are repeating the same day and only they remember it. They decide to play golf into an active Stargate wormhole]
Jack O'Neill: "How far away is this planet?"
Teal'c: "Several hundred light-years."
Jack O'Neill: "That's gotta be a record."
[Jack golfs again. They golf again later, and Hammond catches them]
General George S. Hammond: "Jack, what the hell are you doing?"
[Jack screws up his golf swing]
Jack O'Neill: "In the middle of my BACKSWING!"

Jack O'Neill: "So Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert."
Merrin: "Yes."
Jack O'Neill: "How old are you?"
Merrin: "I am eleven. How old are you?"
Jack O'Neill: "So... Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert."

Linea: "There are many forms of power, my dear. Some are more subtle than others."
Jack O'Neill: "Well, for the moment we just need the electrical kind."

Sam Carter: "Normally neutrinos pass right through ordinary matter, no matter how dense. I mean, something like five hundred million billion just passed through you."
Jack O'Neill: "No matter how dense."

Jack O'Neill: "Hey, if you'd been listening you'd know that Nintendos pass through everything."
Daniel: "I heard."
Jack O'Neill: "Everything."

Jack O'Neill: "I distinctly remember sitting here, listening to Carter prattle on about solar activity and a...corona... something."
Sam Carter: "Coronal mass emissions - I was just about to bring it up."
Jack O'Neill: "There you go, how would I know that?"
Sam Carter: "Maybe you read my report."
Daniel: "Maybe he *read* your report?"

Jack O'Neill: "Weren't we just somewhere else?"
Daniel: "Where?"
Jack O'Neill: "Some planet."
Daniel: "When?"
Jack O'Neill: "Just now."
Daniel: "No."
Jack O'Neill: "Sure?"
Daniel: "Yeah."

[Sam, Teal'c and Jonas are sitting in a restaurant/coffee shop located in a small town, where they are investigating the disappearance of Richard Flemming]
Jonas: "Don't tell me you haven't noticed how strange the people have been acting around here."
Sam Carter: "What are you talking about?"
Jonas: "Well for instance, that man there right behind Teal'c, he doesn't realize it, but he just put eight cubes of sugar into his coffee, and that lady over at the counter, she's been reading the same article for half an hour. Since we sat down, that waitress has dropped her tray twice and the cook has done three wrong orders INCLUDING my hamburger, which I ordered medium rare, but is in fact well done. It's like the whole town is half asleep."

Daniel: "I think they're a family."
Jack O'Neill: "Of what?"

Daniel: "She's Hathor, the goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music."
Jack O'Neill: "Sex, drugs, and rock & roll?"

Daniel: "This is the Hall of Might?"
Gairwyn: "You were expecting something different?"
Daniel: "Well, uh-huh. Maybe a hall."

Daniel: "Wow, this place is incredible. It's like we just stepped into the citadel at Mycenae."
Jack O'Neill: "I thought you said it was Greek."
Daniel: "Oh, Mycenae was an ancient city in the Southern Peloponnesian region."
Jack O'Neill: "Where's that?"
Daniel: "Greece."
Jack O'Neill: "Why do I do that?"

Daniel: "You could fit every pyramid on Earth inside this thing and still have room to spare."
Jack O'Neill: "Can you imagine heating this place?"

Sam Carter: "Where's Daniel?"
Jack O'Neill: "Oh, Ernest is showing him a new toy."
Sam Carter: "Really? What?"
Jack O'Neill: "Some fancy light show that may be the key to our existence or something like that."

Saroosh/Selmak: "Selmak is a wondeful Tok'ra. She is selfless and caring; she is good company; she has a wonderful sense of humor."
Sam Carter: "Well, that's good Dad. You can sit around for hours cracking yourself up."

[testing Daniel to see if he's an imposter]
Jack O'Neill: "All right. Describe for me the dress your sister wore last week when I took her out."
Daniel: "I don't have a sister, Jack, and if I did I wouldn't let you near her."

Jack O'Neill: "Actually, it's called the Accretion Disk."
Daniel: "Well, I guess it's easy to understand why the local population would be afraid of something like that... *what* did you just say?"
Jack O'Neill: "It's just an astronomical term."
Sam Carter: "You didn't think the Colonel had a telescope on his roof just to look at the neighbors, did you?"
Jack O'Neill: "Not initially."

Jack O'Neill: "Do you read the Bible, Teal'c?"
Teal'c: "It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?"
Jack O'Neill: "Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends."

Daniel: "That's interesting. I wonder if everyone's coming from some religious event."
Jack O'Neill: "Why does it always have to be a religious thing with you? Maybe they're coming from a swap meet."

Jack O'Neill: "I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.!"

Jack O'Neill: "It's true Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago."
Daniel: "From a galaxy far, far away."

Teal'c: "The Goa'uld visit here regularly. It is one of their favorite places to harvest hosts for Goa'uld absorption."
Daniel: "You know, I wish you wouldn't say 'harvest'. We're talking about human beings not... Brussels sprouts."

Jack O'Neill: "I can save these people. Help me. *Help me*."
Teal'c: "Many have said that. But you are the first I believe could do it."

Sam Carter: "The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we've calculated its length from end to end to be approximately 137 kilometers."
Jack O'Neill: "I've seen this movie. It hits Paris."

Daniel: "Their whole world is in flames - and we're offering them gasoline. How does that help?"
Teal'c: "We are in fact offering water."
Jack O'Neill: "Thank you."
Daniel: "I was speaking metaphorically."
Jack O'Neill: "Well stop it. It's not fair to Teal'c."

Major Vallarin: "Wait here."
Daniel Jackson: "Yes, you go down the dark hallway alone and I'll wait here in the dark room alone."

[on a mine]
Sam Carter: "Ok, it's flashing green. Is that good?"
Daniel: "No."
Sam Carter: "Bad?"
Daniel: "Bad."
Sam Carter: "How bad?"
Daniel: "Very bad."
Sam Carter: "DAD."

Thor: "This is your prison. Your technology will not function here. There are no luxuries... no worshipers... no slaves..."
Jack O'Neill: "Teal'c, I think we just got the answering machine."
Thor: "Only basic sustenance... and time."
Jack O'Neill: "Well - thanks... for the chat."

Daniel: "Wait a minute, you're actually saying that you need someone... dumber than you are?"
Jack O'Neill: "You may have come to the right place."

Senator Kinsey: "If they're so strong, why did you switch sides in the first place?"
Teal'c: "Because, what is right cannot be measured in strength."

Jack O'Neill: "So what's your impression of Alar?"
Teal'c: "That he is concealing something."
Jack O'Neill: "Like what?"
Teal'c: "I am unsure - he is concealing it."

Jack O'Neill: "The hell with culture. A member of my team has been neutralized. That's a hostile act."
Daniel: "How is it that you always come up with the worst case scenario?"
Jack O'Neill: "I practice."

Jack O'Neill: "All right, we came here in peace, we expect to go in one... piece."

Sam Carter: "Sir, he's not Goa'uld."
Jack O'Neill: "And? But? So? Therefore?"

Sam Carter: "How do you keep from getting killed?"
Aris Boch: "It takes talents."
Jack O'Neill: "So... how do you keep from getting killed?"

Narim: "No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it."
Jack O'Neill: "Is that a 'money back if you're not completely alive' guarantee?"

Jack O'Neill: "Do you people *practice* being vague?"

Jack O'Neill: "Teal'c, look scary and take point."

Teal'c: "Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will in fact calm up."

Major Robert Thornbird: "Some sort of state secret?"
Jack O'Neill: "No. Just difficult to pronounce."

Captain Kyle Rogers: "You are all casualties until 1400 hours."
Jack O'Neill: "Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?"

Daniel: "You know, I've never been on a stakeout before. Shouldn't we have, like... donuts or something?"

Jack O'Neill: "Hey, Rigar. You know that 'we come in peace' business? Bite me."

Commander Rigar: "Let us talk about your friend in the woods."
Jack O'Neill: "I have no friends... in the woods or otherwise."

Colonel Harry Maybourne: "If you hit me, I'll have you court-martialed.colonel."
Jack O'Neill: "I'm not gonna hit you, Maybourne. I'm gonna shoot you."

Colonel Harry Maybourne: "Gonna turn me in?"
Jack O'Neill: "Actually, that overwhelming desire to shoot you has come back."

Thor: "The Asgard would never invent a weapon that propels small weights of iron and carbon alloys, by igniting a powder of potassium nitrate, charcoal and sulphur."

Jack O'Neill: "Listen. Um, I gotta ask you something. It's not easy for me."
Major Charles Kawalsky: "We're friends."
Jack O'Neill: "If you don't make it... can I have your stereo?"

Hu'rak: "No Matter what you have endured, you've never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of."
Jack O'Neill: "You ended that sentence with a preposition, Bastard."

Jack O'Neill: "What do you want?"
Apophis: "To live."
Jack O'Neill: "I can't help you there. That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute. You are your god. That's a problem."

[Osiris wants to know what has happened during his three thousand year hibernation]
Osiris: "Where is my brother Setesh?"
Daniel: "You mean Seth? He's dead, we killed him."
Osiris: "You lie."
Daniel: "No, no... we also killed Ra, and Hathor, and who else... Sokar."

K'Tano: "I honor he who would kill his god. And to his brethren of the Tau'ri, slayers of Ra, Hathor, Satesh, Heru'ur, Sokar, Cronus and Apophis."
Jack O'Neill: "Well... somebody's been keeping score!"

Jack O'Neill: "Then by all means... To Hell with us..."

Teal'c: "If you once again try to harm me or one of my companions, my patience with you will expire."

Daniel: "Well maybe you can try coming up with something better than inappropriate sarcasm."
Jack O'Neill: "You want sarcasm? Nice to meet you."

Jack O'Neill: "For Crying Out Loud."

Bra'tac: "We die well."
Teal'c: "More than that, old friend. We die free."

Colonel Harry Maybourne: "Teal'c. It's good to see you well."
Teal'c: "In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you."

Jack O'Neill: "Just give me some kind of warning."
Teal'c: "I'm going to shoot you."
Jack O'Neill: "I was thinking more along the lines of 'On Three'."

Jack O'Neill: "Excuse me, but I distinctly remember you saying we're not going to make it. Looks like we made it."
Jacob Carter/Selmak: "So?"
Jack O'Neill: "So, maybe next time you could reserve your judgment."
Jacob Carter/Selmak: "And miss the last opportunity I might ever have at being right?"

Teal'c: "The destruction of the hammer device to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible."
Jack O'Neill: "General, I gave the order."
Daniel: "And I fired the staff at the machine."
Sam Carter: "And I was... there."

Jack O'Neill: "Captain Carter, Colonel Cromwell. He's come to rescue us. But I wouldn't count on it."

Aris Boch: "Dr. Jackson, if you don't mind treating my wound."
Daniel Jackson: "I'm an archaeologist."
Aris Boch: "I know, but you're also a doctor..."
Daniel Jackson: "... Of archaeology."

Daniel: "It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They... well, they'd drill a hole in the person's head. By drilling a hole the evil spirits are released, thus saving the person from eternal damnation."
Jack O'Neill: "Thus... *saving* the person?"
Daniel: "Well, they didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark."

Jack O'Neill: "How's a needle in my butt going to get water out of my ear?"

[to a nurse with a needle]
Jack O'Neill: "Listen, really jam it in this time, okay?"

Doctor: "Well, he's not human."
Jack O'Neill: "Ya think."

[Teal'c has started hallucinating about his wife]
Teal'c: "Do not test my temper, woman."
Daniel Jackson: "Woman? Did he just call me a woman?"
Jack O'Neill: "Yes, I believe he did."

Jack O'Neill: "Is mental illness contagious?"

Jack O'Neill: "I'd like to apologize in advance for anything that I may say or do that could be construed as offensive as I slowly go NUTS."

Doctor: "I've had a great deal of success with hypnosis."
Jack O'Neill: "Hypnosis. You know, I'm not a big fan of that bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog stuff."

Daniel: "Why are you so quick to jump to the conclusion that I'm crazy? That I'm dangerous and out of control? It's because I'm kinda acting that way, aren't I?"

Jack O'Neill: "They put that damn memory thing on me. And then they gave me something that reminded me of the '70s."

Teal'c: "There appears to be no fish here, O'Neill."
Jack O'Neill: "T, it's not about the actual fish themselves. Fish are not important in this context. It's about fish-ing. The act of fishing itself."
Teal'c: "I see."

Jack O'Neill: "This is the infamous tuna torture."

General George S. Hammond: "You ever think of writing a book about your exploits in the line of duty?"
Jack O'Neill: "I've thought about it. But then, I'd have to shoot anyone that actually read it."

Jack O'Neill: "Fancy that. We're famous."