Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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Buffy the Vampire Slayer


[opening narration]
Narrator: "In every generation, there is a chosen one. She alone shall stand against the vampires, demons, and forces of darkness. She is the Slayer."

Buffy: "You know me, not much with the damseling."

Professor Maggie Walsh: "So, the Slayer."
Buffy: "Yeah, that's me."
Professor Maggie Walsh: "We thought you were a myth."
Buffy: "Well, you were myth-taken."

Xander: "No, it's just... this Malcolm guy? What's his deal? I mean, tell me you're not slightly wigged."
Buffy: "Okay, slightly. I mean, just not knowing what he's really like."
Xander: "Or who he really is. I mean, sure he says he's a high school student, but I can say I'm a high school student."
Buffy: "You are."
Xander: "Okay, but I can also say that I'm an elderly Dutch woman. Get me? I mean, who's to say I'm not if I'm in the elderly Dutch chat room?"
Buffy: "I get your point!"
[gets his point]
Buffy: "I get your point. Oh, this guy could be anybody. He could be weird, or crazy, or old, or... He could be a circus freak."
Buffy: "He's probably a circus freak!"
Xander: "Yeah. I mean, we read about it all the time. Y'know, people meet on the 'Net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show, horrible ax murder."
Buffy: "Willow ax murdered by a circus freak... Okay, okay, what do we do?"
[realizes her paranoia]
Buffy: "What are we doing? Xander, you get me started! We are totally overreacting!"
Xander: "But it's fun, isn't it?"

Xander: "How can I say this clearly? I don't like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you're a vampire. But Buffy's got this big old yen for you. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right."
Angel: "You're in love with her."
Xander: "Aren't you?"

[to Jonathan]
Xander: "Oh! oh! He's like your kryptonite."

Willow: "I knew it. I knew it. Well, not in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know."

[Willow has found out Xander and Cordelia are together]
Xander: "I know it's weird..."
Willow: "Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man. It's Cordelia. Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia' club, of which you are the treasurer."
Xander: "Look, I was gonna tell you."
Willow: "Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?"
Xander: "All right, let's overreact, shall we?"
Willow: "But I'm..."
Xander: "Willow, we were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much."
Willow: "No. It just means that you'd rather be with someone you hate than be with me."

[Spike can't bite Willow]
Spike: "I don't understand. This sort of thing has never happened to me before."
Willow: "Maybe you were nervous."
Spike: "I felt all right when it started. Well let's try it again."
[Spike tries to bite Willow and he backs off screaming in pain]
Spike: "Damn it. What's wrong with me?"
Willow: "Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?"
Spike: "Not to me it doesn't."
Willow: "It's me isn't it?"
Spike: "What are you talking about?"
Willow: "Well you came here looking for Buffy, and settled. You didn't want to bite me, I just happened to be around."
Spike: "Piffle."
Willow: "I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's all ways, "ooo, you're like a sister to me," or "oh, we're such good friends.""
Spike: "Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat."
Willow: "This doesn't make you anymore scary."
Spike: "Don't patronize me. I'm only 126 years old."
Willow: "Your being too hard on yourself. Why we don't wait a half an hour and try again?"

Willow: "Do you wanna make out with me?"
Oz: "What?"
Willow: "Forget it. I'm sorry. Well, do you?"
Oz: "Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... You know, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause that would never happen. I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops. It's like, it's like freeze frame. Willow kissage. Oh, I'm not gonna kiss you."
Willow: "What? But freeze frame."
Oz: "Well, to the casual observer, it would appear that you're trying to make your friend Xander jealous or even the score or something. And that's on the empty side. See, in my fantasy when I'm kissing *you*, you're kissing *me*. It's okay. I can wait."

[Anya and Willow are about to do a spell]
Anya: "This isn't gonna get all sexy, is it?"
Willow: "I'd be shocked."

Buffy: "She was looking to go all payback-y on Glory for a minute, but I cooled her down a little. Actually a lot."
Spike: "So she's not gonna do anything rash then."
Buffy: "No. I explained there was no point."
Spike: "Mm-hmm."
Buffy: "What?"
Spike: "You- so you're saying that a powerful and mightily pissed off witch was plannin' on going' and spillin' herself a few pints of god blood until you, what...'explained'?"
Buffy: "You think she- no. I told Willow it would be like suicide."
Spike: "I'd do it. Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it."

Giles: "How did you know it was me?"
Buffy: "Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me."

Giles: "I'm not supposed to have a private life?"
Buffy: "No. Because you're very, very old and it's gross."

Buffy: "They're gonna expect me to... to be like a Slayer and, and know stuff, but I'm just me and I don't know anything and they're gonna to go away and they're not gonna tell me how to fight Glory and I'm not gonna be able to protect Dawn."
Giles: "Buffy, calm down. The scandal here is not anything you've done wrong, it's the way they're behaving. Holding what they know hostage, with a gun pointed at my bleeding green card no less. It's humiliating."
Buffy: "Also smart. They picked the perfect thing. I can't lose you."

[Buffy has learned that Giles has robbed her of her powers for a Council test]
Giles: "You have to listen to me. Because I've told you this, the test is invalidated. You will be safe now, I promise you. Now, whatever I have to do to deal with Kralik... and to win back your trust..."
Buffy: "You stuck a needle in me. You poisoned me."
Cordelia: "What's going on? Oh, God. Is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not gonna bother."
Giles: "You can't walk home alone, Buffy. It isn't safe."
Buffy: "I don't know you."
Cordelia: "Did something take her memory? He's Giles. Giiillles. He hangs out here a lot."
Buffy: "Cordelia, could you please drive me home?"
Cordelia: "Of course. But if the world doesn't end, I'm gonna need a note."

Buffy: "You know, chocolate is the cure to everything."
Willow: "I think I'm gonna puke..."
Buffy: "...'cept that."
Giles: "Bloody hell! The inscription!"
Buffy: "What's it say?"
Giles: "Actual size."

Buffy: "You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the "Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's Home Journal." So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary..."
Giles: "Retroactive."
Buffy: "...to be paid retroactively from the month he was fired. I will continue my work with the help of my friends..."
Watcher: "I, uh, I... don't want a sword thrown at me, but, but, civilians, I - we're talking about children."
Buffy: "We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon."
Anya: "Willow's a demon?"

[a student has been murdered]
Cordelia: "All I can think is, it coulda been me."
Xander: "We can dream."

Willow: "What about Angel?"
Buffy: "Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. 'Hi, honey, you're in grave danger. I'll see you next month.'"
Willow: "He's not around much, it's true."
Buffy: "When he is around... it's like the lights dim everywhere else. You know how it's like that with some guys?"
Willow: "Oh, yeah."

Angel: "Do you love me?"
Buffy: "What?"
Angel: "Do you?"
Buffy: "I love you. I don't know if I trust you."

Buffy: "I don't know what to do."
Angel: "Then let me decide for you. I can face this thing."
Buffy: "You can't."
Angel: "Look, I, I can at least buy you enough time for Willow's spell to bind it. Buffy, this is worse than anything we've ever faced. It's the only way."
Buffy: "I can't watch you die again."
Angel: "I love you."
Buffy: "I love you."
Angel: "Nothing can change that. Not even death."

Buffy: "Hi."
Angel: "Hi."
Buffy: "So, is there danger at the Bronze? Should I beware?"
Angel: "I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like."
Buffy: "I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from."
Angel: "What are you afraid of? Me? Us?"
Buffy: "Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living."

Willow: "Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't wanna hear, do you promise not to bite me?"
Angel: "Are you gonna tell me that I'm jealous?"
Willow: "Well, you do sometimes get that way."
Angel: "You know, I never used to. Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feelin' guilty... I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy."

Angel: "You know, I started it. The whole... having a soul thing. Before it was all the 'cool new thing'."
Buffy: "Oh my god, are you twelve?"
Angel: "I'm getting the brush off for Captain Peroxide. It doesn't necessarily bring out the champion in me."
Buffy: "You're not getting the brush off. Are you just going to come here and go all Dawson on me everytime I have a boyfriend?"
Angel: "Aha! Boyfriend!"
Buffy: "He's not. But he is in my heart."
Angel: "That'll end well."
Buffy: "And what was the highlight of our relationship? When you broke up with me or when I killed you?"

Buffy: "We have a marching jazz band?"
Oz: "Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... scary."

[upon finding Spike trying to stake himself]
Xander: "We've shared a lot here. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you."
Willow: "Xander."
Xander: "What? He wants to die, I wanna help..."
Willow: "It's ooky. We know him. We can't just let him poof himself."
Spike: "Oh, but you can. You know I'd drain you drier than the Sahara if I had half a chance."

Giles: "We are not your friends. We are not your way to Buffy. There is no way to Buffy. Clear out of here. And Spike, this thing, get over it."
Spike: "I don't know what you mean."
Giles: "Yes you do. Move the hell on."

[after Spike slays a vampire for her]
Buffy: "Spike. Why did you do that?"
Spike: "Not for money, if that's what you're thinkin'. Your heartfelt gratitude is plenty. Expect I'll be getting that any moment."
Buffy: "Gratitude? For getting in my way?"
Spike: "Getting in your way? I saved you."
Buffy: "I was regrouping."
Spike: "You were about to be regrouped into separate piles. You needed help."
Buffy: "I didn't need you. I never need you, Spike."
Spike: "Oh, I get it. You just don't like who did the rescuing, that's all. Wishin' I was your boyfriend what's-his-height - oh wait, he's run off."
Buffy: "You know what? I don't need a boyfriend. To rescue me or for any other reason."
Spike: "Don't need or can't keep? You keep making notches on the headboard, but eventually they get out of bed and run off, don't they?"
Buffy: "You're disgusting."
Spike: "Rough talk. Maybe that's your problem - maybe you push 'em away? Or is it the other - maybe you cling too much? Or maybe... your beauty's fading. The stress of slaying aging you prematurely. Things not as high, not as firm."
Buffy: "You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn't."
Spike: "Or maybe you just don't hold their interest."
[walks away]

Spike: "Something's happening to me. I can't stop thinking about you. And if that means turning my back on the whole evil..."
Buffy: "You don't know what you mean. You don't know what feelings are."
Spike: "I damn well do. I lie awake every night..."
Buffy: "You sleep during the day."
Spike: "Yeah but- you are missing the point. This is real here. I lov..."
Buffy: "Don't. Don't say it. I'm going."

Spike: "You didn't tell me. You brought her back and you didn't tell me."
Xander: "Well, now you know."
Spike: "I worked beside you all summer."
Xander: "We didn't tell you. It was just... we didn't, okay?"

Buffy: "All right, what do you want?"
Spike: "I told you. I want to help you stop Angel. I... I want to save the world."
Buffy: "Okay... and you do remember you're a vampire right?"
Spike: "We like to talk big, vampires do. 'I'm going to destroy the world.' It's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United, and you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester Bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?"

[Buffy is pretending to be the Buffybot]
Buffy: "Why did you let that Glory hurt you?"
Spike: "She wanted to know who the key was."
Buffy: "Oh, well, I can tell her, and then you'll..."
Spike: "No. You can't ever. Glory never finds out."
Buffy: "Why?"
Spike: "'Cause Buffy... the other, not so pleasant Buffy... anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did."

Buffy: "It's over."
Spike: "I've memorized this tune, luv. Think I have the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want."
Buffy: "I know that. I do want you. Being with you... makes things... simpler. For a little while."
Spike: "I don't call five hours straight a little while."
Buffy: "I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just... being weak, and selfish..."
Spike: "Really not complaining here."
Buffy: "And it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry William."

Buffy: "I don't know what it is, Spike, but I know there's something you're not telling me."
Spike: "You're right, there is; but we aren't best friends anymore. So, too bad for me. I'm not sharing. We've been through things, the end of the world and back. I can be useful because, honestly, I've got nothing better to do. You can make use of me if you want."

Anya: "It's like we live in Slayer Central. I swear, if Buffy rooms or boards one more of the potential girls, I'm gonna call a health inspector."
Spike: "I like my plan better. Get up, get out, get drunk, repeat as needed. It's just more elegant."

Giles: "I don't understand. What did this?"
[Buffy's final line]
Buffy: "Spike."

[realizing Forrest is a zombie-robot]
Riley: "Oh God."
Forrest: "God has nothing to do with it."

Spike: "Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey."
Riley: "Because you are."
Spike: "Well... yeah. But that's not your problem. Even if I wasn't in the picture, you're never gonna be able to hold onto her."

Riley: "You actually think you've got a shot with her?"
Spike: "No, I don't. Fella's gotta try, though. Gotta do what he can."
Riley: "If you touched her... you know I'd kill you for real."
Spike: "If I had this chip outta my head, I'd have killed you long ago. Ain't love grand?"

[the Yoko Factor - after Buffy returns from seeing Angel in LA]
Riley: "I don't know much about Angel, or your relationship with him, but all I ask is, if you're gonna break my heart, do it fast."
Buffy: "What? You think that Angel and I..."
Riley: "Didn't you?"
Buffy: "No. Of course not. How can you even ask me that?"
Riley: "I don't know. Xander said..."
Buffy: "Xander? Oh, he's the deadest man in Deadonia!"

Dawn: "You wanna know what I'm scared of, Spike? Me. Right now, Glory thinks Tara's the Key. But I'm the Key, Spike. I am. And anything that happens to Tara... is 'cause of me. Your bruises, your limp... that's all me, too. I'm like a lightning rod for pain, and hurt... and everyone around me suffers and dies. I must be something so horrible to cause so much pain and evil."
Spike: "Rot."
Dawn: "What do you know?"
Spike: "I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil."
Dawn: "Maybe I'm not evil. But I don't think I can be good."
Spike: "Well, I'm not good, and I'm okay."

Spike: "In my head. The chip in my head."
Warren Meers: "We're kind of in the middle of something."
Spike: "Well, you can play holodeck another time. Right now, I'm in charge."
Spike: "Yeah, what are you gonna do if we don't especially feel like maybe playing your..."
[Spike rips Boba Fett action figire off its base]
Warren Meers: "What are - wait, what are you doing?"
Spike: "Examine my chip or else Mr. Fett here is the first to die."
Jonathan Levinson: "Hey! All - All right. Let's not - Let's not not do anything crazy here."
Andrew Wells: "That's a limited edition, 1979 mint condition Boba Fett."
Warren Meers: "All right, dude, chill. You can still make it right. You know you don't wanna do this."
Spike: "What I want is answers, nimrod!"
Warren Meers: "Right. But you don't want to hurt the Fett... because, man, you're not coming back from that!"
Spike: "That right? Let's find out."
[about to rip head off of action figure]
Warren Meers: "One sec - Once second."

[appears with gun]
Warren: "You think you can just do that to me? You think I'd let you get away with it? Think again!"
[fires gun]

Buffy: "We need to find Willow."
Xander: "Yeah, she's off the wagon big-time. Warren's a dead man if she finds him."
Dawn: "Good."
Buffy: "Dawn, don't say that."
Dawn: "Why not? I'd do it myself if I could."
Buffy: "Because you don't really feel that way."
Dawn: "Yes I do. And you should too. He killed Tara, and he nearly killed you. He needs to pay."
Xander: "Out of the mouths of babes."
Buffy: "Xander."
Xander: "I'm just saying he's... he's just as bad as any vampire you've sent to dustville."
Buffy: "Being a Slayer doesn't give me a license to kill. Warren's human."
Dawn: "So?"
Buffy: "So the human world has its own rules for dealing with people like him."
Xander: "Yeah, we all know how well those rules work."
Buffy: "Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. We can't control the universe. If we were supposed to... then the magic wouldn't change Willow the way it does. And... we'd be able to bring Tara back."
Dawn: "And Mom."
Buffy: "There are limits to what we can do. There should be. Willow doesn't want to believe that. And now she's messing with forces that want to hurt her. All of us."
Xander: "I just... I've had blood on my hands all day. Blood from people I love."
Buffy: "I know. And now it has to stop. Warren's going to get what he deserves. I promise. But I will *not* let Willow destroy herself."

Faith: "I'm looking at you, everything you have, and, I don't know, jealous. Then there I am. Everybody's looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I've never felt so alone in my entire life."
Buffy: "Yeah."
Faith: "And that's you every day, isn't it?"
Buffy: "I love my friends. I'm very grateful for them. But that's the price. Being a slayer."
Faith: "There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together."
Buffy: "Also, you went evil and were killing people."
Faith: "Good point. Also a factor."
Buffy: "But you're right. I mean, I... I guess everyone's alone. But being a slayer? There's a burden we can't share."
Faith: "And no one else can feel it. Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers."

Angel: "You and me, Faith, we're a lot alike. Time was, I thought humans existed just to hurt each other. But then I came here. And I found out that there are other types of people. People who genuinely wanted to do right. And they make mistakes. And they fall down. You know, but they keep caring. Keep trying. If you can trust us, Faith, this can all change. You don't have to disappear into the darkness."

Spike: "Are you insane? We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in the friends' beds."
Drusilla: "But, Spike, the bad teacher was going to restore Angel's soul."
Spike: "What if she did? If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack. I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer."
Angelus: "Don't worry, roller boy. I've got everything under control."
[a Molotov cocktail smashes through a window, setting the place afire]

Buffy: "Will, you know how bad I feel about this. It's eating me up..."
[to Anya]
Buffy: "1/4 Cup of brandy and let it simmer."
[to Willow]
Buffy: "But even though it's hard, we have to end this. Yes, he's been wronged, And I personally would be ready to apologize."
Spike: "Oh, someone put a stake in me."
Xander: "You got a lot of volunteers in here."
Spike: "I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody indians."
Buffy: "Uh, the preferred term..."
Spike: "You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world isn't people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story."
Buffy: "Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of - Not that I don't like Spaniards."
Spike: "Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude?"
Willow: "We don't wanna fight anyone."
Buffy: "I just wanna have thanksgiving."
Spike: "Heh heh. Yeah... Good luck."
Willow: "If we could talk to him..."
Spike: "You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick."
Xander: "Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but... Some of that made sense."

Giles: "Jonathan? How's he?"
Buffy: "Pretty crappy. His parents are freaking. He got suspended. And toting a piece to school, not exactly winning him a place with the in-crowd. But, I think he's dealing."
Giles: "Well, it's good of you to check on him."
Buffy: "Well, it's nice to be able to help someone in a non-slaying capacity. Except, he's starting to get that look, you know, like he's gonna ask me to Prom."
Giles: "Well, it would probably be good for his self-esteem, if you..."
Buffy: "Oh come on. What am I, Saint Buffy? He's like three feet tall."